Thank you and a question

Wow. Thank you all so much for the kind comments and emails. The encouragement means a great deal to me. I guess that all moms get discouraged at times and need someone to say 'it's okay...it will get better and tomorrow is another day". Some days it just seems as if you're a complete failure and then the next day you do a one-eighty and you feel like you just might make it. Today has been a good day. We made it out the door on time this morning and then attended Dylan's music concert tonight. There hasn't been a lot of fussing and arguing going on. This is so much nicer.

Now, for the question. It's no secret that I'm not a bible scholar. I've always attended church but I've never been a part of a bible study or really took the time to study on my own. There are so many books, dvd's, cd's and other media available to people these days. You can listen to sermons online all day long and on tv all night long. How do I know who is 'real'? Do you know what I mean? There are people out there writing books and buying tv time that aren't grounded in the Word and their interpretations of scripture may be a tad 'off'. How can you tell the difference? Obviously I need to be reading the Bible on my own, but so many things just don't make sense to me and I need to either read or listen to someone else's views on the scriptures. There are so many different viewpoints out there and I just don't want to start believing the wrong things. How do you decide? Is a gut feeling? Do you go on recommendations from others? Just hope for the best? Help a girl out will ya?

Now, it is very late and I've got to work all day tomorrow and chaperone a dance tomorrow night. Then there is the weekend...but that's a whole post in itself. Goodnight!

Parenting isn't for cowards

My child did not come with an owner's manual. Yes, I bought several books on baby care before he was born and I've bought several books on raising boys but none of them are really helping me. I'm honestly at a loss these days. Living with a teenage boy is really trying my patience. I mistakenly thought that I wouldn't have to deal with the hormonal moodiness since I had a boy. Ha! I'm such a silly mom. One minute we are chatting and laughing and in the blink of an eye he turns into a sullen angry boy. How does that happen? And just what is he so mad about? I don't get it.

I feel as if it's my fault that he's this way. I'm the mom so it has to my fault right? I have so many regrets about they way he has been raised. When I was pregnant with him, I had dreams of being the perfect mom. We would read together every night and always say our prayers. I wouldn't yell or spank. We would do crafts for every season and holiday. His baby book would contain every important memory. I had plans for piano lessons and the Suzuki violin method. He would get good grades and I would be involved in his schoolwork and his school. Playdates would be plentiful because I was going to make sure he had all the friends I never did. We chose our church because it had a strong children's program and wanted to be sure he had good church friends as he got older and would be meeting kids from all walks of life in public school. Being a mom was something I'd looked forward to for so long and by golly, I was going to do it right but I didn't.

And there are no do overs.

Now here I am 13 years later and facing the reality that all of the plans and dreams didn't happen. We rarely read books at night and now my son really doesn't like to read. Prayer time together never became a habit and is now non existent. I yell...a lot. We hardly ever managed to even color eggs or carve pumpkins much less do crafts. The baby book is blank. The piano and violin lessons never happened. His grades are awful (even though his test scores are WAY above average) because I can't seem to remember to keep up with his assignments and never taught him how to organize them himself. He doesn't have many close friends because I was always too busy to have other kids over to play. He won't attend Sunday School because he has no friends there at all. We've missed a lot of church over the last 4-5 years and the friendships never developed.

But there are no do overs.

I don't know where to start now. I have one year before he starts high school and I'm terrified that I haven't instilled the right values in him. I'm afraid that he's going to start hanging with the wrong crowd, that the grades will go down and there will be trouble. I just want it to be 1996 again so that I can have that little baby again and I can do it right.

But there are no do overs.

I sat in church this past Sunday and poured out my heart to God during the communion service, begging him to help me. I'm so fearful that I will lose this beautiful boy that I was given to a world that is ugly and dark. I need for Him to tell me what to do, only I don't know how to hear His voice. I just feel so inept. Like I'm not smart enough to figure this out and at the same time I know I don't have to figure it out because He already has. I'm floundering and all I want is to find the right path.

Because you know what? There are no do overs.

I confess

Edited following Tues morning Shred: Don't skip two days. It's like starting all over again. Oh. My. Word. The pain. The nausea. It's all back. Shoot me please.

Forgive me interpeeps, I have not Shredded since Saturday. On Sunday I honestly just didn't want to do it before church. I meant to, I said I would, but I didn't. Then today I woke up at 3am with the worst sinus headache because of the storm front that was moving through. It hurt so bad that I was queasy. I just couldn't do the dvd. I'll be back at it tomorrow though I promise!

Okay, now I can sleep since I've got that off my chest. Whew.

Ramblin'

There is not a coherent thought in my head so that means....a list!

1. I just finished Day 3 of The Shred. I still can't do the whole thing but I'm doing a little more each day. I did a few more jumping jacks, a few more push-ups and a few more crunches. I've also lost close to 2 lbs. The weight loss is probably due to giving up soft drinks though.
2. I'm working on an organizational system for daily and weekly schedules. I'm trying to incorporate chores and meal plans. I'm guessing my Granny never had an organizational system and she raised 5 kids by herself, during the depression with no electricity or running water. I think the biggest problem with my homemaking skills is me. Not my lack of a good organizational system.
3. I was so proud of myself last night. I found a great deal on ground chuck, bought close to 15 pounds, came home and browned it off and put it all in zip loc bags for future use. Wouldn't it have been fabulous if I'd put it in the freezer instead of leaving on the kitchen counter all night long?
4. I've got to clean the house, make potato salad and deviled eggs, go back to the grocery for more ground chuck and do a ton of laundry. And I'm sitting here in front of the computer.
5. The potato salad and deviled eggs are for my nephews birthday party later today. He's turning 8 and is an exact replica of my husband at that age. I'll have to post the pictures to prove it. This kid can eat his weight in deviled eggs so my MIL and I are both making some. Better not check his cholestoral any time soon.
6. Tomorrow is church, lots of household paperwork (including PTA and Scouts) and I've got to go pick out a new vanity, sink and toilet. I'd rather be shopping for a new handbag. Oh, and I'll be shredding before church. Can't wait for that!
7. Why am I the only female in the world that can't stand to read Jane Austen? I love the movies, but the books? I can't force myself and I feel like a failure as a woman. There. I've admitted it.

How is that for a ramble? Now I'm going to do a whirlwind cleaning job and fix that food. No way I'm going to get it all done. Crud. I don't have a gift yet. Now I have a #8.