Shred - Day 1

Oh. My. Goodness. Seriously, how hard could it be to do a 20 minute dvd? That was my silly thought at 4:30am. Now it is 5:55 and I'm sitting here feeling as if I'm going to toss my cookies. I couldn't even do most of it. I tried, but I couldn't. I had so much stuff jiggling during the jumping jacks.... I did try to at least keep moving by walking in place when I felt like I was going to pass out or puke. I actually thought I was going to lose it on my living room floor. My oh my. Now I understand those contestants on The Biggest Loser that are heaving in the bushes.

Gee, I paint such a lovely picture for you to read as you eat your breakfast.

I took some pictures this morning for my 'before' shots but have chosen no to post them. There just isn't anything becoming about them at all. Should I lose 'up to 20 lbs' as the dvd case says is possible, I'll be happy to post them with the 'after' shots.

If this doesn't kill me, I should be in shape for Boy Scout camp by the time it rolls around in June. But that is a really big if.

I think I've lost my mind.

Have you all heard about the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD? Evidently Vicki Courtney posted about it here and challenged others to commit to doing this workout dvd for 30 days. I read about it here on Big Mama's blog and here on Boomama's blog. Then I read Vicki's follow up post here.

This is the point where I lost my mind.

I left a comment on Vicki's blog saying "I'm in". Oh my word heaven help me!

So, tonight on the way home from Boy Scouts I'll be hitting Target to see if they have the dvd. I really hope they do because if I have to work any harder than that to purchase it I'll probably give up before I even get started. It's been known to happen. I'm just not an exercise girl. I stayed skinny all the into my early twenties by dancing and teaching little ones to dance. I ate like a linebacker and just danced it all away. Then I started sitting at a desk all day, got married and had a kiddo. But I still ate like a linebacker. Add it all together and you get to see numbers on your scale that you never ever thought you'd see back when you weighed a sassy 115 lbs.

My motivation is that I have signed up to be a leader at Boy Scout camp for a whole week in June. A week. In the woods. With the mosquitos and ticks. When it's really hot outside. I hope my son realizes how much I love him.

A.) This will mean lots and lots of walking, hauling my own gear around and trying to keep up with a bunch of 11-14 year old boys.

B.) Right now my technically obese self doesn't really fit in her uniform. I can button and zip everything but it really isn't pretty. I've got junk in my trunk, all four fenders and the tires. Some toning would go a long way in making that lovely tan and olive uniform look a tad more attractive.

If I can find the dvd tonight I'll do day 1 tomorrow morning before work. Pray. Pray hard. If I can still lift my fingers when I'm done I'll let you know how it went.

It's been a month? Really?

I can't believe it has been a month since I posted. I really didn't think it had been that long. We've been busy with activities and with the kitchen. Oh my this kitchen. Several months ago we had the remains of Hurricane Ike blow through Indiana. We had some roof damage from the high winds and ended up with water going down into a couple of the walls in the kitchen. Since this is an old house with plaster walls, they just started disentegrating. So, after the roof was replaced, the guys came back and fixed the walls and painted the walls and ceiling. We did the trim which is saying a lot. This old house has really nice wordwork around the baseboards, windows and doors. The kitchen cabinets are original to the house and also had to be painted. It felt like we painted for days.

Now the painting is done and new curtains have been hung. (Material $12, Curtain Rods $9, Sewing by mom...priceless) I still haven't done any decorating because I want to be really sure before I put holes in the wall. It's kind of plain but that's actually nice because it was a cluttered disaster before.

I'm actually a bit embarassed to show these 'before' photos. I don't even think I realized just how bad it was. We never painted this room after moving in and it had really become a dumping ground. This house is small, under 800 sqare feet, so clutter really accumulates quickly. I have gone through all of the dishes, cookware, etc and only kept the items that I really use and love. The rest is yard sale bound.

Now for the photos...

Here are the before and after photos of the sink/cabinet wall. Keep in mind the fact that what you see here are ALL of my cabinets. Storage space is at a premium.



This is the before and after of the fridge. The weekly calendar board will probably go back up because we really do use it, but the junk stacked on top? Never again.



Here is a before and after of the table. We do not have a dining room so this is the only place for eating, homework, crafts, etc. And yes, that is a tv sitting on the table. Not one of my prouder moments. Oh, and these are from different angles. You aren't losing your mind.



This is the closet off the kitchen. It was a disaster! I'm trying to turn it into a pantry. We put a set of shelves in there and I'm trying to organize all the food items. I still need to do some work on this but it looks much better than it used to.




So, that's it. My 'new' kitchen! I'll have to take some more photos after the decorative stuff is up. I have a plate rack that I want to hang which will hold my grandmother's Blue Willow china. I think it will look nice with Granny's teapot which is sitting on top of the fridge. I have some other items that match the plate rack that will go in the room too. My mother and I are searching all of the consignment stores for a smaller table and chairs. I'm hoping to find a drop leaf table that will be a lighter color and not take up so much room. It may take a while to find just what I want. Then I can get a pretty table cloth and start displaying my pretty white Pfaltzgraff that is currently hiding in a cabinet.

There is so much to do but I'm really loving the sunshiney yellow walls. They sure do wake us up in the morning. Now we just have to redo the rest of the house....

Simple Sunday 03.22.09

I'm late posting this but the fact that I'm posting more than once every three months is an improvement so I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

It was rough week and I honestly can't come up with small things that struck me as wonderful this week. I do have something though. Yesterday we celebrated two of my favorite people turning 13. My son Dylan and his cousin K were born 10 days apart and have celebrated every one of their 13 birthdays together. I love just watching them together because their is none of that boy/girl weirdness with them. They are just best buddies and I believe they always will be.





Happy 13th Birthay to two terrific kids.

It's all in the eye of the beholder

In a 13 year old boy's eye, this is a clean room.


In his mother's eye, THIS is a clean room.



He isn't going to be too happy when he comes home. He doesn't want me messing with his stuff. I don't want the house condemned. I pay the bills, I win.

A day late but heavy on the teenage sarcasm

I saw this on Mer and the Carpool Queen's blogs yesterday and finally got my son to answer the questions. Please keep in mind he is officially a teenager now.


1. What is something your mom always says to you?
Did you get your homework done?

2. What makes your mom happy?
When I don’t get a terrible grade.

3. What makes your mom sad?
When I skip my homework.(Can you tell yet that we are having homework/grade issues?)

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
By doing something stupid. (Gee...thanks)

5. What was your mom like as a child?
I don’t know.

6. How old is your mom?
41

7. How tall is your mom?
5’5 ½” (He missed it by an inch. I'm actually 5'4 1/2"

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
I don’t know.

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Sit on the recliner, watch tv and eat. (Sadly, he isn't too far off)

10.If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
You look like someone that would be in a Swiffer commercial. (???)

11. What is your mom really good at?
I don’t know (Obviously haven't been impressing him much)

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Singing (Ha! This is no secret!)

13. What does your mom do for a job?
Accountant…bookkeeper is the official title.

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Italian (Actually, my fave would be Mexican but I do like Italian.)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about all of this. (Again with the not impressing him.)

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Daisy Duck (Huh?)

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Scouts, Homework, Monopoly, I don’t know… (How about practically everything?)


18. How are you and your mom the same?
We’re pretty much the same in every way, that’s why we’re always fighting right? (Sad but true)

19. How are you and your mom different?
Different hair color and you’re old. (Over 24 hours in labor & a c-sec for this?!?)

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
You say it every day. (And I always will)

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
I don’t know. What DO you like about dad? (Hmmm...maybe need to work on that Proverbs 31 thing a bit more.)

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Nashville (Not a bad choice.)

Fear of change

9:30 am ~ Thank you so much for your kind comments and your prayers! Salary and benefit cuts are in my future, but God is good and I still have a job as does everyone else. Everyone from the CEO on down will be taking a pay cut and we will try to do this by cutting out any expense that we can. Their goal is to not cut any additional staff though so that when the economy turns around, we will all still be in place to move forward. I honestly expected to find that we were going to be losing more people and I could do cartwheels right now because I'm so happy that this family gets to stay together. Thank you God for employers that truly do care about the welfare of their employees.



6:30 am ~ I am not a person that likes change. I rarely change my hair. I carry the same handbag until it falls apart. My furniture hasn't been rearranged in over ten years. I have no desire to find a new house and move. I like to know what's going to happen each day, each week, each month. The fact that my husband's work schedule changes each week makes me crazy. I am comforted by routine.

Armed with that information about me, you can only imagine what the current state of events in nation's economy are doing to me. Everything seems to be up in the air and nothing is certain. Kevin has already been through a series of jobs in the last 12 months due to the economy. Until yesterday, I had felt very secure in my job. On March 27th I will celebrate my 20th anniversary with the company. Yesterday though, I learned that we will be having a company wide conference call today. Actually, in about 2 hours I will be listening to our CEO discuss plans for our company's future. I have no idea what he plans to say. Keep in mind, our offices share a wall so it isn't like he is someone I never see or talk to. To put it mildly, I'm terrified. I know that we will have to find ways to spend less. I'm pretty certain that wages will be frozen. Maybe some benefits will be cut. Those are all things I can deal with. What I can't handle is people losing their jobs. There are people there that have seen me through getting engaged and married. They watched my tummy grow with a child inside and rejoiced when my son was born. They came to the funeral home when I lost my grandmothers and saw me through some very dark days with my husband's illness.

I realize that if someone I care about leaves the company it doesn't mean they have to leave my life. We can still see each other or talk on the phone. I just don't want them to go. None of us are wealthy and several are single women living on one income. Losing a job could mean losing a home. We all actually care about the company that we work for (family owned) and losing employees will be much like losing family members.

Then there is the fear of myself being someone that is part of the staff reduction. That thought had me sobbing in a bathroom stall yesterday. I think of the hardship it would cause because I'm the one that carries all of our insurance. I'm the main breadwinner at this time. I also think about the 'family' I could lose. I've been with many of them longer than Kevin and I have been together and I'm not ready to say goodbye.

If you should read this before 8:30am central, please say a quick prayer for the gang at SCCC. I think we could all use it.

Memory Monday 03.16.09

I'm finally joining in on Memory Monday!

The first thing I want to memorize is Proverbs 31:10-31. Obviously I can't do it all at once so I'm starting with verses 10 -12. I'm not good at memorization so I'm going to take this in small pieces.

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12

Simple Sunday 03.15.09

In keeping with the title of this blog, I want to take time out each week to remember the simple things that happen in daily life that make me happy. Those are the things that really matter. Sometimes they occur in mere seconds and are gone all too quickly. I want to be able to come back and read through them and remember. When life is making me crazy, I want to be able to remember.

Simple Sunday

Dylan shared the big recliner with me yesterday while watching a movie. That has been our snuggle spot since he came home from the hospital but for the last year or so he's been telling me we don't fit and he wouldn't sit with me. But yesterday, for 2 glorious hours my boy sat in our chair with me and let me snuggle.

On Friday night I finally went and got my Sam's card. I was added to the company account this year but hadn't made it out there yet. So, I got the card and Kevin went with me. We walked through the store chatting and buying way too much. Including a 5 lb bag of peanuts in the shell. We never grocery shop together and it was fun to spend the time together.

Last Saturday night we went shopping at the mall for Dylan's birthday presents. We had Chik-Fil-A and spent time in the cafe court reminiscing about our growing boy.

That's it. That's all I have for this week. I'm sure there were other moments that passed too quickly and were forgotten. I'll have to try to make notes this week. I don't want to forget the simple things that make me smile.

Dear 2009 - The apology

Dear 2009,

I sincerely apologize for for my oh so sassy post on New Year's Day. I really had no idea you would take it so personally. Did you really need to retaliate to the extent that you did? I know I was a little sassy, but I didn't even use curse words!

Anyhoo, I'm sorry for disrespecting you the way that I did and I'm hoping that you will accept my apology and allow me to have a halfway decent 9 1/2 months. Pretty please???

Thanks,
m


Yeah, I was sassy and I've paid for it. The last two months have been exhausting.

• I have worked more hours than ever before. About 15 hours of overtime each week which includes every Saturday. The time leading up to our annual audit is always crazy, but this was ridiculous. Then the auditors were on site for 3 weeks. I cringe just thinking about it.
• I turned 41. 'Nuff said.
• Kevin lost his job. It was retail sales and their business bottomed out after Christmas. Last one hired, first one fired.
• My dad ended up in the hospital for 24 hours with a very nasty flu bug.
• We had a massive ice storm. We never lost electricity but we did lose cable, phone and internet. We can't complain about that though since the neighbors across the street didn't have electricity for a week!
• My dad turned 80. We had a huge party and it all turned out perfectly. This was one of the few bright spots this winter.
• I had to get bifocal contact lenses. I'm officially old.
• Kevin's substitute teacher license came through (finally) and he subbed 4 days in Feb. Then.....
• Kevin started a new job. It's a temp to hire thing and we're still in the temp part. I hope it works out.
• I missed too many Boy Scout meetings and I'm way behind in my secretarial duties.
• I missed 2 PTA meetings, the Valentine Dance and Barbeque Bingo. I'm way behind on my treasurer duties.
• Our roof was finally replaced from damage from Hurrican Ike in September. Yeah, I said hurricane and I live in Indiana. Bizarre.
• My boy turned 13. I thought that since I had a boy, I wouldn't have to deal with the whole hormone thing like I would if I'd had a girl. Was I ever kidding myself!

2009 has really been kicking my tail, but now that I'm back to a 40 hour workweek I'm hoping I can get back on track. If the weather could warm up, I'd be in great shape! I'm much more productive around the house when I'm not bundled up in a blanket. Really, I am.

10 on the 10th

Today is my son's 13th birthday so I'm going to post 10 things I love about this boy.

1. I love that when he was little he said "kank koo" for thank you.




2. I love that he still had to be tucked in every night until he was at least 12.




3. I love that he isn't embarassed to go skateboarding with his dad.




4. I love that he can now set up his own tent and cook his own meal over a fire that he started.




5. I love that when he was little he would tell people he had a brother and that brother's name was Grandpa.




6. I love that he will still play Monopoly with me even though he now considers me an inferior opponent.




7. I love that his best friends are his cousins. Cousins are very important when you are an only child.




8. I love that in staring contests I can always make him laugh first.




9. I love that he went to his first real concert (John Mellencamp) with his old mom and dad.




10. I love that he plays the drums and guitar....just like his daddy.

Happy Birthday beautiful boy. I love you.

Dear 2009

Dear 2009,
You. Are. Mine. The last two or three years have kicked my tail but you won't. I'm not even going to give you a chance. You see, I am motivated. I am motivated to get my life together, to spend more time on what is truly important and to learn to live each day to its fullest.

Usually I make resolutions but I'm not going to do that this year. Why not you ask? Because making resolutions is really just a form of self torture. I'm an all or nothing gal and when I make a resolution I'm only setting myself up for failure. I resolve to exercise three times a week. I make it through the first week and then I only manage to get two times in the second week. I've failed and I give up. Substitute diet, quiet time, family nights, blogging, cooking, staying on a budget and reading for exercise and you'll see that I start off each and every year by planning to drive myself crazy and send myself into a deep depression. What a sick tradition!

This year I'm making some goals and creating a to do list. Basically I just want to try to keep my eye on my goal of living a simple life and putting God and my family first. The rest is just details.

Over there>>>>> on the side bar, is my list of goals and to do's. I'm not setting any "must do three times a week" mandates on myself. I'm just going to work on doing better. As long as I'm improving I'm not failing. That should keep me from sending myself into a deep dark depression by the 15th of January.

So that's it 2009. You are the year I'm going to start living the life I was meant to live!

Yours truly,
Me

A Christmas Meme

I need to lighten the mood around here so I snatched this from Joanne's blog.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? I love them both! I'll take the egg nog though.

2.Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa just sits them under the tree.

3. Colored lights on house/tree or white? White.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? I've never had misteltoe.

5.When do you put your decorations up? Ususally around the first weekend in December but I'm really running late this year.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Mom makes Hot Browns.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Making cookies with Grandma.

8.When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? My cousin Shelli told me when I was 4. Scrooge.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We open gifts at my in-laws house.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Very old fashioned looking. All white lights, lots of ornaments (many handmade), popcorn strings and an angel on top.

11. Snow. Love it or dread it? I love it on the weekends but hate it on workdays.

12. Can you ice skate? Not a chance.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Barbie's Dream House

14. What is the most important thing about the holidays to you? Spending time with my family.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Sugar cookies with icing.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Singing carols with the whole family while my mother-in-law plays the piano.

17. What tops your Christmas tree? An angel all dressed in gold and white.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? Giving.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? Little Town of Bethlehem

20. Candy Canes. Yum or Yuck? Yuck

21. What do you want for Christmas? Time to rest and relax with my family.

22. Do you attend an annual Christmas party? I have a couple of work parties but nothing with friends.

23. Do you dress up for Christmas Eve or wear PJ's? Jeans and a sweater.

24. Do you own a Santa hat? Several. My son was obsessed with them when he was little.

25. Who do you normally spend Christmas with? Christmas Eve with Kevin's family and Christmas Day with my family.

Oh what a week

This week.
It's flying by.
We've been up too late at night.
Waking up has been hard to do.
The house isn't as neat as it was last week.
I didn't have quiet time today.
Work is a bear. A bear that was forced awake in January. Mean.
Tonight is family night and I may be at the office late.
Check engine light on the car came on last night.
Heat in car is no longer working and it is currently 25 outside.
Scouts was bad last night. We have a boy in trouble.
PTA was bad Tues night. Kids fighting in parking lot.
I have to pack tonight for an overnight trip to Nashville.
I'm not even looking forward to Nashville anymore. Too tired.
There are no Christmas decorations up in my house.
I need caffeine.

Close your eyes and imagine...

I don't remember where, but a while back I read an article about visualizing the outcome of something you want to achieve in order to help you truly achieve it. For example, if you want to lose weight, you should visualize yourself at your goal weight, how you would look and feel, and this will help you on your journey. I've been thinking about what I want my home life to look like.

I see myself sitting on the couch each morning reading my bible and talking with my God. Then I spend time readying the house for the day. I see Dylan and I sitting at the breakfast table each morning. We chat about the day ahead. We both get ready for the day and leave the house on time. Evenings are spent eating dinner together as a family. Then we do the dishes and spend the rest of the evening together talking, reading and playing games.

Gee, does that sound a little 'Waltonesque' or what? I can't help it. I love watching that show and seeing the whole family together in the living room after dinner. They gather around the radio to listen to a favorite show. John is reading the paper, a couple of children play checkers and Olivia and Grandma are mending clothes or kintting. That's what I want my world to look like. Now I just have to figure out how to get there.

I think it's going to take quite a while to get to where I want to be. Each and every inch of this house needs to be cleaned and the excess stuff that has accumulated tossed out or donated. There is so much stuff crowding our very small house that we can't enjoy the things that we love. I've started on the basement and oh my word it's going to take much more time than I thought. I'm afraid that a New Year's Eve party won't be happening this year. There is so much cleaning to do. Our basement gets damp when we have a lot of rain and this past spring was wetter than normal. As I'm pulling out boxes I'm finding that I'm going to have to wash down everything with bleach. Furniture will have to be moved and carpets cleaned. There just won't be enough time over the next 3-4 weeks for me to get it all done. I think we'll have to shoot for spring break instead.

Between now and New Year's Eve I'm going to work on my 2009 plan. It will be my year of learning to life a simpler life. 2009 is all mine.

So far, so good

I'm up! I read the first 2 chapters of Genesis and spent time in prayer for myself, my family and my coworkers. Then I put away the clean dishes in the drainer, washed some glasses that were in the sink and set out things for breakfast. Then I put a load of laundry in the dryer, another load in the wash and put away mine and Kevin's clean clothes. Dylan can put away his basket tonight. Now I'm headed to the shower. I'll have to hurry to be ready to eat breakfast with Dylan at 6am but I think I can make it.

Now, my confession. I never went to the grocery last night so I'll have to do it tonight after PTA. I also never made it to the basement yesterday. I'm going to have a lot to do next weekend.

Okay shower, here I come!

A Fresh Start

This is it. I'm making a plan and sticking to it. I've promised my son. There is no going back.


Our mornings are horrible so we've made a schedule that we are going to follow. No matter how difficult it is we are going to stay on track until we get used to it. I've read that it takes 30 days to create a habit. Getting started during the holidays probably isn't the smartest idea, but I'm always that person that waits until Monday...or the first of the month...or New Year's Day....or Groundhog Day....or whatever else will let me put it off another day. I'm hoping that by New Year's Day we'll be feeling like we are gaining some ground.

Our Morning Schedule

4:00-4:30 Quiet time with God - I need this, I really do.

4:30-5:30 Home Blessing (I've always called it housework but this sounds so much nicer)

5:30-6:00 Shower & Hair

6:00-6:30 Breakfast with Dylan

6:30-7:00 Bathroom time for me, shower for Dylan

7:00-7:30 I get dressed, Dylan has his bathroom time

7:30-8:00 Take Dylan to school and me to work


Note - I'm not leaving Kevin out on purpose, he just never gets up until we are out of the house because he doesn't have to be at work until 9am at the earliest.

This week will be a bit off because of the holiday, but here are our plans.

Today
I'm heading down to the basement to clean. Later I need to run to the grocery so I don't have the fight the crowds later in the week.

Monday
Work/School
PTA - Pack Thanksgiving baskets
Dylan's music lessons - Kevin will drive
Dinner
Review Dylan's schoolwork


Tuesday
Work/School
Dinner
Review Dylan's schoolwork
Laundry & Ironing
Vacuum carpet & Quick dust with Swiffer


Wednesday
Work/School
Dinner
Review Dylan's schoolwork
Bake cookies for Kevin's Black Friday lunch (he works retail...yipes!)
Make slaw for Thanksfiving Day lunch
Make sure everything is set for Thanksgiving Day


Thursday
Make sweet potato casserole and green beans
Mom's house for lunch
In-laws house for dinner


Friday
Put together tray of cookies for Kevin
Clean basement
Work on laundry


Saturday
Clean basement
Work on laundry (yes there really is this much to be done)
Dylan's friend here to work on Science Fair project


Sunday
Breakfast
Church
Day trip with Mom, Dad, Kevin and Dylan to West Baden to see Christmas decorations.
Back home to make sure things are ready to start all over on Monday morning.


So, there it is. I'm putting our morning routine on the front of the fridge and in the bathroom so we can easily refer to it as we create these new habits. The weekly schedule will go on my weekly dry erase board on the fridge. I've already been using this to keep activities straight but now I'm going to put everything on there...chores, meals, everything. The hardest part is going to be getting up at 4am but it has to be done. At least until the clutter is gone. I hope to eventually hit a maintenance mode that won't require the kinds of hours I'm going to need to put in to get this place in order.


Now, I'm headed to the basement to get started sorting out what needs to go and what needs to stay. Wish me luck!

I need a plan

This weekend I'm going to take some time to come up with a realistic daily schedule and plan for the week. I've probably chosen a bad time to start this since it is a holiday week, but I can't put it off any longer. I am constantly making schedules that just don't work. They are unrealistic. I plan to get up much earlier than I'm capable of and do way more than I can possibly accomplish in the time allotted. I make a very valiant attempt to follow this 'dream' schedule for a week and then completely give up when I fail and fall back into 'no schedule at all' mode. This is no way to live.

Several things have come to a head this week that have let me know I and my family cannot continue on this chaotic path. Mostly, they had to do with Dylan. His schoolwork is suffering. He is not a natural organizer and he needs help. Because the house is a wreck and our calendar is bursting at the seams, I haven't been helping him the way I should. Days and weeks pass without me really checking his grades online or asking to see his agenda book. He says he doesn't have homework and I just run with that because it's easier and hey, we need to be across town 5 minutes ago so grab your coat and run for the car. I met with all of his teachers yesterday and we discussed ways to help him get back on track. I've known for a long time that we are too busy but that meeting with the teachers was the smack in the face I needed. We need more time to just be at home doing the mundane day to day stuff like looking at agenda books. After that meeting I took a scalpel to our calendar and cut out everything I possibly could for the months of November and December. I haven't started a 2009 calendar yet but the first thing I'm going to do is schedule a weekly family night. If it's on my calendar in ink I won't be lying to people when I tell them I have a prior committment. I'm choosing Thursday because it's my hubby's day off. He will be relaxed and can have part of dinner ready so we can eat shortly after I get home from work. That will leave more time for games and movies.

The second thing that really hit me this week was how badly I need to get this house under control so that Dylan can invite friends over. I'm so embarassed by the mounds of clutter that I don't allow anyone in the house. And then there is the basement. Back in April I pulled everything out of the storage area so I could go through it, throw away a bunch and organize what was left. Well, it's all still sitting there in November. Even though it isn't very nice, the finished part of the basement could be a decent family room. The bookcases are down there. There is a small sofa and television along with the stereo and all of our cd's. The treadmill is currently folded up because the floor is full of junk and I can't unfold it. Dylan's drumset is down there and I'd like to make a music area with his and Kevin's guitars and the keyboard hiding under my bed. It could be a fabulous place for a 12 year old boy to hang out with his friends playing music, watching movies or playing video games. I even have a dream of turning a corner into my office. I have an old computer that I'd like to set up on a small desk. This would be my place for doing Boy Scout and PTA work and paying bills. Right now all of this stuff is in my living room. Ugh.

I need to do this for Dylan. He doesn't have friends over which leaves him sitting in front of the tv or computer all alone. He's becoming a sad little boy. On Thursday night a friend came over so they could work on their science fair project. I managed to get the house into decent shape so that his friend wouldn't think we were truly horrible and Kevin was off all day so he did some more straightening. Kevin put dinner in the crock pot for me (I had it all assembled in a zip loc bag) so we would have a meal other than pizza. When I got home from work, Dylan and his friend were working ont their project and they were having a ball. They were laughing and goofing around. Then something happened that has never happened before. At the last minute we invited his friend to stay for dinner. I realize this isn't huge and it happens in houses all over the country every single day, but for us it was HUGE. I saw how happy it made Dylan. I saw his eyes light up and I saw him smiling from ear to ear. He's a very lonely little boy and it's my fault. I never let him invite anyone over because of the house, and he usually can't accept invitations from friends because we already have other plans. I have taken this very social little boy and refused to let him spend time with friends. Seeing the pure joy on his face at having a friend stay for dinner just broke my heart. Why on earth have I let our lives get to the point that I can't let my child invite a friend over to play, spend the night or have dinner? I want to see that joy on his face all the time. I don't want him to be lonely.

So, the plan. One must be made. I'm going to work on it and post it later this weekend. Today I need to straighten up the house, do some laundry and finish helping Dylan set up his new computer. He has worked and saved for the last year or so to buy this computer. We started setting it up last night but couldn't finish because we need a cable and by the time we figured that out the stores were closed. I can run and get that at 9am, then I'm going to finish the computer setup, straighten the house and put away clean laundry. The rest of the day will be spent in the basement. All day tomorrow will be spent in the basement. This coming Friday and Saturday will be spent in the basement. If I can get through all of the boxes, bags and piles by next Friday, that will only leave the deep cleaning. I can do that in the evenings. My goal is to get it in shape so that Dylan can have a sleepover party for New Year's Eve. He doesn't know that yet. I'm going to wait until next weekend to tell him. That way I'll be sure that I can actually pull it off. It will make him so happy and that smile will make my heart melt so it's a win/win situation.

And now I see there is still an hour and a half before the store opens so I think I'll start the house straightening right now. That way there will be less to do later. Gee, what a novel idea.

My head is spinning

***edited at the bottom***

A few years ago, Kevin and I went through a difficult period. There was loss of a job and illness all rolled up together. I was under a great deal of stress trying to keep everything running smoothly, pay the bills and care for the two loves of my life. There was no time for friends or any extras. I just plodded through the days, one after the other, attempting to keep my head above water.

After about 3 years of living this way, I fell into a group of wonderful women friends. It's a large group and everyone is so different. They are a pretty outgoing group too. When we are all together there is much laughter, shopping, eating, dancing and general craziness. I was convinced that this was what my life should be about. I should be having fun! I'd been struggling for so long that now it was my turn. I deserved to get away for girls weekends. I deserved a break from the mundane. I should be going out listening to music. I should be out shopping for more fashionable, sexier clothes. I should be doing all sorts of things for ME. So I did. I did all of those things and guess what? They didn't make me happy either. Not truly happy. I was trying to be someone I'm not and we all know that never works in the long run. Yes, I love spending time with my friends. They are amazing and they make me laugh and they actually listen to me when I talk. I'm looking forward to seeing them in a couple of months because it's been a very long time since I've seen them. I've learned though, that bars and music aren't really my thing. I'll never be fashionable or sexy. I don't feel all that refreshed after a girls weekend, but I do feel guilty for leaving my husband and son. I learned that being a wife and mom is my thing. It always has been and it always will be.

I've spent a great deal of time thinking and praying about who I really am. What my purpose in life is. The answer is that I'm a wife, mother and daughter. That's it. I'm not going to change the world and I'm not going to decorate the world. (ala Baby & Lisa in Dirty Dancing) I'm just going to be a mom. A friend of mine wrote in a blog that there was a time when she saw herself turning into a soccer mom and it scared her to death. For a time I thought it should scare me too but now I know that's who I'm supposed to be. Okay, so I'm a Boy Scout mom instead of a soccer mom, but the result is the same. I just feel like I've been let out of jail or something. I'm free from the struggle that has gone on inside of me for so long. This is who I am and I won't apologize for it or try to change for anyone. I'm a God loving wife and mother. Period.

Now that I've had this great revelation, I'm overwhelmed with all the thoughts in my head and information on the web on being a wife and mother. I've never eased into anything in my life. I always jump in enthusiastically, ready to take on the world. So, I want to do it all! I want to be a great wife and mother. I want to declutter my house. I want to make my own cleaning supplies. I want to plant a garden and can vegetables. I want to start sewing and crocheting again. I want to create a haven in my home. I want to become a bible scholar. I want to simplify my life. I want to start a mom's group. I want to learn to cook really tasty and nutritious meals. I want to craft my own gifts and make a Christmas planner....in August.

Can you see why I'm going crazy over here? I want to makeover my whole life in about 3 days. At this rate I'll lose my marbles. I know I need to slow down and ease into everything but that's so hard. Every blog I read has the most wonderful ideas for creating a lovely yet simple home. They have recipes. They have crafts to make. They have information on being a good wife and mother. It's all right there for me to read and absorb. There are so many fabulous women out there writing and sharing their hearts with others. The internet is an amazing place.

So, here I am, spinning in circles trying to do it all. I have a lot to learn and a lot of work to do to but it feels so incredible to have the fog lifted away so that I can see which direction I'm going.

Edited to add: Joanne pointed out this Psalm to me in her comment. It's perfect for me right now.

Psalm 90
A prayer of Moses the man of God.

1 Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. 2 Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. 3 You turn men back to dust, saying, "Return to dust, O sons of men." 4 For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night. 5 You sweep men away in the sleep of death; they are like the new grass of the morning- 6 though in the morning it springs up new, by evening it is dry and withered. 7 We are consumed by your anger and terrified by your indignation. 8 You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence. 9 All our days pass away under your wrath; we finish our years with a moan. 10 The length of our days is seventy years— or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away. 11 Who knows the power of your anger? For your wrath is as great as the fear that is due you. 12 Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. 13 Relent, O LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. 14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. 15 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. 16 May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children. 17 May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands.

An ending

Today is the last day of sixth grade for Dylan. School would have ended last week but we had some days to make up due to all the snow and ice storms. I can't believe he's finishing the sixth grade. Only two more years and he will be entering high school. It's unbelievable to think that he's that old already.

Today I go back to work after a three day weekend. I wish it were my last day for the year too. Kids just don't know how good they have it.